THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF REASON

A hackneyed line from platoon,I know,but watching him dig that hole and wonder about his circumstance has always been a metaphor for me...
People should sometimes evaluate why they are here,and for most of my adult life I always thought I was here to help others,and I did.But somewhere along the line it got fuzzy...why was this helping thing making me so angry and resentful?
I know I've been over this ground before,but bear with me.As I get older the plot thickens,I see things in different lights.
I've been sick recently...nothing major (I hope) just a consequence of the dust and heat and nastiness in the tower of evil,when I first started there I couldn't wait to leave...a couple of days has turned into months,and you know what?If my foreman told me I was being sent to another job I would protest and decline.As bad as it is,we are on a mission.Anyway,my illness has cut into my drinking significantly...to the point of where sobers not so bad.
You know it's been a long road since I started this electrician thing,somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 years.I embraced the culture as I experienced it...a bunch of drunken yahoos,bent on electrical work and self destruction.I was good at it.Mostly because I had that self destruct gene already,and it was easy to fall into a cycle of work/fucked up.I'm not so fucked up anymore.Recent events have helped me to see that I was on a self destruct path,and while it made for some amusing pictures...that ain't me,despite my attempts to make it so.
I'm bitter,I'm angry,I'm cynical,but I'm not a fool.