Wednesday, March 29, 2006


And I'm not sure why. I get accosted at least twice a day at convienence stores by bums looking for that 75 cents to make bus fare ( which is bum code for "I'm 75 cents short of another pint of wild irish rose" ). There's this deaf black woman crack head that carries around a tablet with various messages written on it that range from "Hi...I am deaf, can you spare a dollar?" to" I will blow you for two dollars...and I swallow". If you refuse her money, she wigs out and gesticulates her anger at you for not paying for her rock cocaine addiction by making disgusting faces and pointing at her crotch and flipping you off. She really pisses me off. My question is...why should I be subjected to this kind of shit when I go to the store on my break from my job that BARELY makes ends meet?
They are frequently intimidating in thier demands, like it's my fault they are a fucking loser. I hate that the most. Usually I just shine them on, sometimes I'll toss out the change if the vibe is right.
Sometimes it is. But mostly it's just a sorry motherfucker trying to leech a drunk off me.
So...last night I go to the store and, what do you know, I get accosted by a bum. I've got Sully with me...he's in the front seat checking this bum out. He's asking me for that 75 cents and coming closer to me...violating my space. I say " You better watch out, that dog will fuck you up". The bum says " yeah I noticed your dog...I bet he could fuck me up". He took another step toward me and the car and Sully fucking WENT OFF. The bum backed off...and I gave him 75 cents. WHY???????
All I had to do was open the car door...end of problem.
But I'm a paycheck or two away from this I said...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


Previous posts by me referring to AA meetings should at least be partially disregarded. I was not arrested, my friend was. I went to the meetings to support him. His arrest and the nature of our friendship caused me to look at my personal behavior. That coupled with the AA experience resulted in what I like to call " peripheral epiphany". Those 12 steppers can really suck you in with the "my life is so much better now" testimonials in regard to thier sobriety.
People re- evaluate thier lives, and I think that's a good thing...especially when it relates to substance use or abuse. I don't use drugs anymore...sure the sometimes rare appearance of hash is impossible to resist, but that's once in a great while and the only vice of that category I allow myself, paycheck permitting. Speed? 20 years gone. Coke? 20 years gone. Pills? Not since high school. Alchohol? Oh yeah...Vodka, I love my fucking vodka. I rarely drink beer anymore, no Jager, and an RNS every once in a great while.
So...what does that make me? For starters, it makes me painfully aware of my friends predicament and what he stands to lose. That and the fact that I don't EVER want to be in his boat. Secondarily, it makes me acutely aware of my past, present and future in regard to substance abuse and has given me cause to think harder about the choices I make, specifically about my future. Whatever future may be left for me, I would like for it to be as bright as possible.
His condition makes me think about what I've got and what I've got to lose, and how easily it could be lost. Or how much it could cost to not...and I can't afford that shit.
It's like that Cure song where he say's "and just let go my party piece"'s an individual thing, but I'm thinking I'm close...letting go. But what do you replace it with?
Good question.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Coming up for a brief gasp of air
Well folks, all I've been doing for the last two months is work very long hours, although I have thrown in a bit of Eve Online gaming here and there for a some mental relief. I probably could have found some time to blog, but I haven't been able to filter out the work stuff well enough to have anything left to post. I suspect at some point this will resolve because I'll either get the hang of this job well enough to start working a saner amount of hours or I'll fail miserably and get fired. Heh.


My dad took me for a fucking MEGA ride tonight! First, we went to the grocery, and while dad was inside buying me treats and mom feminine hygiene products, I was able to scare the shit out of the people who were parked on either side of our car with my ferocious and entirely convincing barking and growling and lunging at the window. People are such suckers! It was awesome. Then, we went to Dukes store for cigs and lotto, and I got to scare the shit out of some more people with my entirely convincing barking and growling and lunging at the windows routine. Dukes is really my favorite spot to do this, because there's this apartment complex across the street that's rent controlled and full of brown and black humans...they freak out more than the people at the, since my vision is different from humans, the darker you are, the weirder you look to me, so I really pour on the rocks! The only thing that fires me up more than that are people in uniform...cops especially...I really twist off on them, plus those guys that work for UPS. No cops or UPS tonight, but I scared the shit out of some fucking humans rocked.
I figured we were headed home after Dukes, but we stopped at the liquor store, and I started my riff on these dudes that pulled up beside us, and they just laughed at me! When dad came out the dude on the passenger side said (and I quote ) : "She was really defending your car when we pulled up, all barking and growling and lunging at the window, that's some funny shit dude".
She??? SHE??? C'mon dad, back me up here...and he did.
Dad said: "You mean "he"?...yeah, he's good at that...I don't have to lock my car when he's with me."
When my dad got in the car he told me they were just some guys here for SXSW and good on me for lighting them up...and then he said "posers" and we went home and I got a treat.
Cool...I'm not sure what posers are, but you can be sure I'll be barking at them....every chance I get.
Dad also bought sullivan food at the grocery, and I hear the bag ripping open...gotta go!

Monday, March 13, 2006


The cable connection in the bedroom is much better, so I was reclined on the bed with Irene and Theo...My head propped up on my hand over Theo's head, spooning with him ( this might sound weird, but he's done this since he was a puppy AND I was fully clothed) . Irene was curled up behind my knees. It was canine/human bliss as far as that goes...snuggling on the bed watching TV.
Ann was in her office playing EVE, she's not a Sopranos fan. Fifteen or so minutes into it, a small moth fluttered down from the light into Theo's range and he went for it, sending the top of his hard ass skull into my waiting left the speed of, well, the speed of a dog who has issues with flying insects, or roughly 5000 miles an hour.
Ann was drawn to the bedroom by my screams of agony...she came bursting in asking what was wrong and I could only answer with a repeat of the squall that drew her out to begin with...something along the lines of OWWWWWOWWWWWOWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOWWWWWWOWWWWWWW!!!! I removed my hand from my eyebrow and saw that it was covered in blood, I felt the blood dripping down my face.
"Theo fucking head butted me!!!" I was finally able to cry..."Bug...light...owwwwww...bloodied me"!!!
Of course, Theo had no clue what he'd done and it wasn't intentional, so I iced it down and sucked it up and only missed about 10 minutes of the show.
So, I'm walking around work today with this cut/knot on my left eye. Nobody's gonna buy this explaination I say to myself, I should make up some story about a fight in the parking lot of the sunrise mini mart, but I go with the truth and everyone gets a good laugh, except Rob from the central store, who after hearing my story say's " Ok man, now that you got the bullshit story out of the way...tell the truth, you got uppity and your old lady knocked the shit out of you"...thanks Rob.That kind of shit might happen in your house...not in mine, I get a head butt from mans best friend over a fucking moth. Ouch.
Another scar to add to the collection I guess.

Thursday, March 09, 2006


I've been mixed up, cut up so sit down and shut up
'Cause I'm a hard man
I was hung up, strung out but I can't take no more junk
Even if you can

It will beat ya cheat ya
Deceit ya, defeat ya

No rocker, bopper, show stealin' teeny bopper
Gonna get a thing from me
No fat, black, back scratchin' pussy cat
Gonna get her claws on me

Well they got a scheme to sell you kids
The silver screens and glossy magazines

Better hold back, good times, strung out, hung up
Strung out, picked on, ripped off, kicked out
Spit on, set up, ripped off, locked up, sent down
Maybe you're as hard as I am

Just blow me away

Gotta love Thin Lizzy...they tell a part of my story better than I can.


Today was my friends 35th instead of a noon meeting, we had a picnic lunch of fried chicken in a small park in east austin compliments of his wife. Fried chicken and east austin and us being some white motherfuckers is hilarious, if you understand the east austin thing. Beyond the irony of it all, it was nice. After our picnic, we went to the yellow store and bought some scratch tickets (crack for white people) and my friend won on a scratch with 3 watermelons in a row! Icing on the cake if you ask me. Humorous racist stereotypes aside, lets get back to the lack of the meeting. These guys meet (no women) on tuesday, thursday and saturday at noon at the location near our work and monday,wednesday and friday at a rib house near my house, also at noon. I think we'll try to hit the nooner at the rib house tomorrow. So here I am setting my friends meeting agenda. How about that? He's got to go or go to jail, and I want to reconnect with these guys so, I'm planning ahead. Can't make the saturday meeting cause I'm helping out on replacing some septic system pipe, so let's hit the friday south meeting, eh? I may even have more to say at this one than the last one's. Who knows...maybe I'll choke.


One of the things that I like about AA is it's professed understanding of god...god being whatever you understand him as. He can be a rock or a shiney silver thing that the crows like, whatever. What bothers me is most of the meetings I've gone to close with the lord's prayer. This is clearly a contradiction, or at the very least, individual AA groups that have settled on the traditional understanding of god in a most conventional christian sense. Organized religion. You know, those hypocrites of christ that like a little oral or anal with the faithful. I am no friend of organized religion...In fact there were some disturbing numbers out of Ireland today about how many of the clergy there were fucking the flock. It's obscene.
If my god manifests himself in the form of a field of Indian paintbrushes, why should I feel compelled to hold hands with you and recite "our father, who art in heaven..." and all that shit?
No sir, I don't like it.
As far as I'm concerned, god can keep his god shit to himself. I'm looking for answers, and in 46 years of living he never helped me, so piss off organized religion.
I have my own understanding of god, the one that accepted him before humanity signed him to a contract and proceeded to market him into the walmart of salvation that he is to the world at large. Not for me.
And then there's the AA book...the "big book". The one with the 12 steps and the 12 traditions, the bible of 12 stepping drunks everywhere. I'm not into that kind of rigid structure . It takes more than 12 steps to get to the place I'm in, and I'm not going to make amends ( #9) with people who have done shitty things to me in such a structured way. I can let things go, but I'm not gonna put a ribbon on it and guilt trip you at the same time.
Part of my problem is that I have been on the inside of this shit by virtue of my time in the psych field. I have sat in groups and praised the virtues of sobriety over and over again, then headed out to the bar or the party after my shift, feeling sure that they were the weak ones and my life was under control.
Sure...hypocrite you say? maybe. Realist? More likely than not.
The last meeting I went to was pretty god free, and the god references were geared toward problems with the god thing. The meeting ended with the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I can deal with that...A purist would say that I'm just in denial. Fuck that, I don't want to argue about the existance of god, I just want to be sober.
Or, more to the point, less of a drunk, if I even am one.
Maybe I'm just depressed.
Now that's just "stinkin' thinkin'"...
Than you Al Franken.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


Here awhile back, a friend of mine was arrested for DWI. Part of the bond was to go to AA meetings 4 times a week, and in a show of support I've been going to these meetings with him. Now he's court ordered to do this, I could sit in the truck for an hour if I wanted to, but he's my friend and he's apprehensive...I used to go to these meetings regularly when I was a social worker back in the day...he knows this,so I am a source of support and comfort for my friend.
The meetings have all been open discussion with a focus on the steps and traditions, so everybody shares. When it's been my turn I have been saying this: "I'm Rob and I don't know what I am. I'm here to support my friend." Then my friend talks about being court ordered to attend and thanks me for supporting him and he's just trying to get a handle on what's going on. and we move on.
He's doing it because he has to. I went with him the first time only to back him up...but then my mind started talking to me.
Anyone who reads this blog knows that I am party people...I drink a lot...sometimes a whole lot. I can't relate to the stories of chaos I hear at these meetings because I stay home and get stupid...if anything bad is going to happen, it's going to happen at home. I'm safe, right?
Well, I might be safe from the long arm of the law, but I'm not safe from the long arm of addiction.
I know I'm unhappy with my life, I know I've been drinking too much for years. I know that the voices I've been hearing at these meetings speak to me on some level that I never experienced the whole time I was in the biz.
I'm not ready to admit it, but I'm looking forward to that noon meeting on thursday.
These guys stories can curl your hair...mine will burn it right off your fucking head.
I fell into this. Maybe for a reason.

Monday, March 06, 2006


The smoking gun site runs concert riders for bands and singers that are amusing and sometimes outrageous. The latest is for Mary J Blige. Check it out if you wanna.
But it got me to thinking about our band, and what kind of rider we would have if we had not been overlooked we had achieved the fame and fortune of these spoiled motherfuckers. Would our rider be on a par with these stars? Oh yes...hell yeah. There's nothing like success to swell your head beyond safe limits. So I made up a rider for our band. Enjoy.


Wolve's@th'door (WATD) travel together, on the same airline, IN FIRST CLASS. They will have seats together in a row, with the rows in front and behind left unbooked and empty.
Flight attendants will be 50/50 in regard to gender. They will be tattooed and pierced and dressed in the finest goth clothing available (NO EXCEPTIONS). The in flight meal wiil be chopped beef BBQ sandwiches, pickles,potato salad and ranch style beans and sliced onion from that old black guys BBQ trailer in Manor Tx. Beverages will include :
4 cases (96 bottles) of Shiner Bock beer.(Purchased from the brewery in Shiner Tx. as it comes off the belt.)
2 liters of monopolowa vodka.
3 quarts of HEB brand orange juice (NO exceptions...must be from the HEB at Congress and Oltorf in Austin Tx.)
1/2 Gallon of Jager...ICE cold. With shot glasses that have skulls on them...demon skulls.
The in flight movies will be The Devils Rejects and The Sound of Music.
***At some point during the flight, any member of WATD will be allowed to fly the plane.***
Roadies and techs will have identical accomodations, only in coach. They will not be allowed to fly the plane.

The band and crew will be met at the airport by a fleet of tricked out vintage automobiles (1957 Chevy Bel Aires and 1956 Chrysler 300 with the A/C that blows your hair forward for ANN)
Each vehicle will be equipped with a period Craig 8 track player, a roadstar power amp (50 watts minimum) , and FOUR speakers.
Further, each vehicle will have the pink colored issue of Black Sabbath's "Masters of Reality" and the lime green issue of Jethro Tull's "Aqualung".
The drivers will be cholo homeboys with burr haircuts and gang tattoos ( gang membership is optional). They should also be sporting "grills like a mirror ball" (upper or lower, but ideally both.)
Each vehicle will be equipped with a sawed off 12 gauge shotgun, loaded with blanks, in case any memer of the group wants to "have some fun".

The top three floors of the most expensive hotel in town. Open bar, open 24 hour room service. And high dollar whores available 24 hours for our single members. The lower of the three floors will be reserved for groupies ( name list provided by our manager ahead of time ). Law enforcement not allowed to come any closer than a mile from the hotel, no matter what. NO EXCEPTIONS
*Televisions will be unbolted from the tables to ensure ease of throwing them out the windows if so desired by any member of the group.
1 microwave oven in every room (Magic chef brand, black and stainless, NO EXCEPTIONS)
2 -12 package Popcorn ( Orville Redenbacher's kettle brand) in every room.
2- 12 count county fair corndogs (HONEY battered, NO EXCEPTIONS)
1- 16 oz. mustard (MUST be YELLOW and made by FRENCHES...NO EXCEPTIONS)
1-16 oz HUNTS catsup. ( MUST be spelt with a "C" and not a "K"...NO EXCEPTIONS)
High speed internet in every room with no blocks.
1- 50 count pack of Club no gum rolling papers.
1- Smooth plastic waitress tray*
* Or a gatefold album cover...Grand Funk or Deep Purple ( NO SUBSTITUTIONS, DEFINITLEY NO KISS ALIVE II )
500 Reeses cups (ORIGINAL STYLE)
10 lbs. of Bakenettes pork rinds
1 pint of Louisiana hot sauce.
200 cheap paper plates...the cheaper the better.
Lots and lots of napkins
1 gross of peppermint rolaids...(NO TUMS! ROLAIDS BITCH!)
1 gross pipe cleaners...any brand, providing they are wire infused.

What's that? Fuck sound check. When we play, we play. Techs and roadies will just hang out and party after they set up our shit.The arena will provide all beverages...mostly Guiness and Jager.
WATD will use the sound system The Dead used at their 1974 show at the horse racing track in Manor Tx. NO EXCEPTIONS. All on stage amps will be Sovtek (rob), Mesa Boogie (LT) and Peavey
(Ann) . Bill will play his vintage Ludwigs (Hand polished by stadium personnel) mic'ed with shure and altec mics. NO EXCEPTIONS.


Thursday, March 02, 2006


Ten more visits and we hit 20K!!!Woo-Hoo! Prizes? No... sadly, the only prize you get for being # 20,000 is to read this nonsense. And if you are # 20,000 for this post you are in for a treat.
Thanks, readers for helping us reach a milestone that we will screen capture, print and frame and hang in our livingroom, right next to the first dollar our band earned ( just kidding ).
On to the post...
We have sirius radio in the work truck, and the fm frequency we tune to to get it is a christian contemporay station in Round Rock ( a burb to our north populated by techies, and apparently, microcephalic baptists who run a radio station ). Sometimes the signal fades and we get to hear what's is being played at this station. It is amazing...they have christian bands that have covered popular songs ala' Wierd Al, changing the lyrics to project the christian "message".
Some examples:
(To the tune of Foreigner's "Urgent" )
"Virgin -virgin, she bore the seed"
(To the tune of Zep's "Stairway to Heaven")
" And he's showing a narrow way to heaven" It's apparently copped from the live version, because at one point in the song the "singer" yells " Does anybody remember JESUS ?".
(To the tune of The Who's "My Generation")
" Talkin' 'bout to stop artificial resucitation".(???)
You can also hear songs by The Beach Boys (Fun fun fun as "john 1:1"), The Monkees ( I'm a Believer as "I'm a Redeemer") , Billy Cyrus ( achy - breaky heart as "Don't tear the book apart" ).
It's frightening, but yet at the same time, HIGH-larious.
And you can listen to this shit live by going to KNLE-FM.*
Virgin-Virgin-She bore the seed...Priceless!
*Generally between 11a and 3p CST.