DON'T CALL ME "BOSS" DON'T CALL ME "DOG"

I am not your boss and I am not a bounty hunter.And especially,do not call me "primo".I am not mexican nor am I really good weed.
If you are unable to call me by my given name,here is the short list of how you can get my attention or greet me without instant annoyance on my part:
"Hey Rob"
"Hey Rev"
"Hey Dude"
"Hey Man"
"Hey"
Are we clear on that now?
Good...

MAY THE ROAD RISE WITH YOU...

Post Pistols genius...enjoy:



SUNDAYS BRUNCH-N-DRUNK (tm)

Being that Ann had a grueling week and I spent 6 hours yesterday cleaning the kitchen (no,I'm not on speed,it was just that nasty) we opted to stay home and do it here.

Must have good Bloody Marys or Margaritas - check- I make a mean Bloody!
Must have good coffee - check...Green mountain coffay rules
Must have breakfast food that Rob likes - check...leftovers from last nights white trash surprise: alternating layers of butterflake biscuits,garlic roast beef,cheese and gravy.
Must have breakfast food that Ann likes - check...Jimmy dean microwavable ham and cheese omelets.
Must have good atmosphere -check...we love our home.
Must have good service - check...self service.
Must be in reasonable driving distance - check...HEB is blocks away!
Bonus score for smoking section - check
So...ClubSpit gets 8 out of 8 points
Huzzah!:)

UPDATE...

I have been working by myself a lot this week,which is an indication of the level of trust they have in me to get the job done and that feels good.
I've spent more time on the phone with a dear friend than I have in years who is in an employment conundrum and wanted my opinion (among others)as to his plan of action,and that feels good too.
I finally got my phone the other day and have been playing with the camera:



That's my Beenz...lately she has been everywhere with me and even in the front yard without restraint, I'm not sure what happened,but she is suddenly like my old dog Buddy in terms of trust and predictability and I love it.
It's been all good for a while now in general...and that feels good too.
Got some honey do's for saturday and a session with my pickin' buddy Jon.
Talk to you after the Brunch-n-Drunk (tm) this sunday!

I AM SO WHITE TRASH SOMETIMES

I hit the third world on the way home from work today and scored:some $0.44 banquet pot pies,and a $0.99 CAN of campbell's brown gravy in addition to some other things.
This is Annabelles night to work late,so I'm on my own for dinner.
I nuked a beef pot pie and dumped it on a paper plate,added pepper and Worcestershire sauce followed by a generous dollop of the vaguely named "brown" gravy on top.
HOO-WHEE!!!!!
I also got some keebler cheesecake flavored dunking cookays for dessert.
Man...that's livin'!

MANIACAL MUDBUG MECHANIZATIONS

I left the house at a quarter to one and got gas and smokes and reset the odometer to zero.I hit the liquor store and got a fifth of the trusty monopalowa and a quart of OJ and headed to the crawfish boil in my beloved ripped up camo shorts and sleeveless t shirt with banjo and guitar in tow.
I arrived at my contractors home promptly at 1:45 and after a short visit with the boss/host,settled in back by the smokers that were smoking 21 briskets.In between me and my truck were several giant stainless steel pots vigorously boiling the shit out of 1000's of crawfish,corn and quartered potatoes.It was a constant hissing.
There were several trashcans with donut tabletops set up in the yard covered in plastic so you could eat your mudbugs and just push the carcasses into the hole in the middle...no fuss no muss.
I played my guitar for the smokers and people getting brisket to their enjoyment and,by the way, a guitar is better than a puppy in regards to generating conversation, especially when you are the only guest out of 100-150 who looks like a Texas version of Ozzy (complete with round rose colored shades).Other than my boss/host, I was also the only employee there.The brisket was the best I'd ever had.
No mudbugs though...too much brisket.
I hung out until 3:45 or so and then headed to my buddy's house far away and to the east. I missed seeing my foreman and his family,as they were running late.
I got out to Manor without incident.I should say that my inspection is expired and i learned that my left rear lights were out and I had been drinking,and I had an open container in the car...proof positive of my consumption.
I had a very good time at my buddy's,got to hang out with some other electrician/musician friends,got to see his dad and meet his mom and by the time I left,probably shouldn't have been driving,being that the truck is sporting an expired inspection and a gimp tail light.Had I been pulled over for either infraction I would have surely been busted.One of my friends followed me closely on the way back to town to obscure my deflicted tail light (thanks Wolfie).
I made it home unscathed by the road or the law having travelled 75 miles,and Annabelle and I went to Hills Cafe to eat dinner. She drove.While there I had 2 mexican martinis,harassed the folk/country guys playing,when they asked for requests I hollered "Black FLAG"!!!And cackled like a mad man.They were very good though and I bought their CD and one of them came to our table and shot the breeze during a break.I went to the bathroom at one point and there is a sign between them that says "Hippies use side entrance" I swear,a lay over from the days of rednecks and sheep shears.So I went to the hostess and demanded to see the manager,he approached me all concerned and asked if there was a problem,I said there "most definitely is,come with me I'll show you".I marched his nervous looking 20 something ass over to the hippy sign and asked in my most full of vodka and tequila incredulous voice while wagging a finger at said sign "what the fuck is up with THIS SIGN"?He was speechless.I let it simmer for a few seconds and then started laughing and patting him on the back told him I was just fucking with him. He saw the humor and laughed with me.It was a proud moment for me.
I feel asleep in Annabelles car in the driveway listening to a tape of our band from 1994 and somehow managed to find my way to bed.
Then it was SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!
I really got to start acting my age...and soon :)

SUNDAYS BRUNCH-N-DRUNK

We were all set to go to Woody's.In fact,we did drive there,but they were closed,someone must have died or gotten really drunk on saturday (oh wait!That was me...but more on that later).So we went to Trudy's south lamar instead.
We signed in for a table and were told we had a 15 minute wait...Ann inquired about smoking and we were directed to a glass enclosure around the bar about the size of our living room...no waiting and you can smoke.
So far so good.
Most of the wait staff were tattooed,ours included.Another plus.It was crowded and loud but the music was good,and there was a midget at the table next to us!I thought this warranted an extra point,but Ann disagreed.Only when that party left and the next party also had a midget(!!!)did she agree to the extra point.

Must have good Bloody Marys or Margaritas - check
Must have good coffee - check...in fact it was remarkable coffee.
Must have breakfast food that Rob likes - check
Must have breakfast food that Ann likes - check
Must have good atmosphere -check...it was loud and claustrophobic,but the 70's prog rock cancelled that out.
Must have good service - check
Must be in reasonable driving distance - check
Bonus score for smoking section - check
Bonus score for midgets- check
Trudy's gets 8 out of 8 plus a bonus point for midgets in attendance.
Hoo-Whee!

MUDBUGS!HORNS OF A DILEMMA.

Tomorrow is the annual crawfish boil for the contractor I work for and I have been invited. Me and my journeyman have been talking about it all week and he is going and is looking forward to socializing with me and others. This guy grew up in a small town surrounded by church and family and I am 15 or so years his senior and from a different world but we have formed a friendship and a mutual respect for each other since we have been working together. He is a genuinely nice guy,who has his focus dead square on his family and I have the utmost respect for him for that and share a lot of his values.
Hence our friendship,and the chance to hang out with him and meet his family is important to me.
On the other hand, another close friend has learned that he has to go to rehab,away from his family and friends for five months,allowed only to go to work and the rest of the time will be behind the bars he spent several months behind a while back is having a "going away" BBQ.
Tomorrow.
So I will be a travellin' fool tomorrow. The crawfish boil is 45 minutes to my west and the goin' to lock up rehab is 30 minutes to my east.Which means they are an hour and 15 minutes apart,easy.
So I will go to the mudbug fest at 1:30 and hang out till 5 or so and then drive to the BBQ after.
I will be bringing my washburn and my banjo and some harps with me and have even composed a prison song on the banjo (sort of) to play for my buddy whose going away.
I hope he likes it.
Cool hand Luke:)

No high school reunions for me and the unanswered question finally gets answered
Unlike Rob, I won't be attending my 30 year high school reunion. I was one of only two people in the group I hung out with that actually graduated and the only one in my class (the other guy was a year younger.) Now this wasn't a stereotypical group of lazy drug using teenagers. My friends were intelligent and hard-working and that's precisely why they decided not to waste years of their life in a school that was teaching them nothing and sucking up time they could spend gaining skills and earning a living. Had they gone to Rob's high school, who knows, they might have stuck around and aimed for a college scholarship. As it was, they aced the GED test after 9th grade and went off to become electricians and mechanics and construction workers who had time off to play in the evenings and on weekends. I, on the other hand, stayed in school while flipping burgers on my evenings and weekends. And I did it simply because my getting a high school diploma was something that was very important to my parents. My parents were the children of immigrants and for them going to school was a privilege, something they had to juggle in between work. It wasn't work just so they could get a few bucks to buy a car, it was work that was needed just to help the family survive. My mom had to quit high school to go work as a live-in maid so she could send the money she made back home to help feed her younger sisters and brothers. My father did manage to graduate high school since work that could be done around a school schedule was a bit easier to find for men in those days, but it wasn't easy working full-time and going to school at the same time while still attending to farm chores. Therefore, the "high school diploma" was a big deal to my folks and despite all my teenage angst and rebelliousness, I just couldn't let them down on that one. And so I, every bit my father's daughter, proceeded to go to school from 7:30am to 3:30pm and then work from 4:00pm to midnight. But not five days a week, just three.. well, maybe four or five because someone quit or called in sick. And oh yes, I understood that I couldn't be paid for running the grill (even though I was) because only men were allowed to hold that job, but I wanted the experience. And yes, I understood that I couldn't be a manager until I turned 18 but I went ahead and worked like one because I wanted the experience. Rinse and repeat that at various other employers for the next 30 years to get to my current job and guess why I'm still there? I want the experience. Blarg.

30 YEARS IS A LONG TIME

My high school is organizing a 30 year reunion for our class of 77.Wow, 30 years.
What have we become?Where have we been?Where are we going?
I am so there.
I have never attended any of the previous reunions but this one,for some reason,holds an appeal to me.30 years is a long time.I look back and I see no regrets...well maybe a few,but they don't involve doing time or male prostitution.In fact,I'm pleased with where I am in life and I think it will be cool to see people I haven't seen in 30 years and probably assumed I was dead via some horrible criminal activity or sitting in a cell trading my celly for a pack of menthols.But maybe I give my dark past more black than it deserves.It wasn't so bad after all and look at me now...parent,grandparent,gainfully employed in a respectable trade combined with a wild ass back story that will and does curl your hair.
Who wouldn't want to share that?
Plus,I'm still relatively thin...gravity hasn't claimed me and I still have hair on all of my head...so self image issues are a non issue,I'm like one of those milfs in the oil of olay adverts. I may be older but god dammit I'm still at the very least semi hot.
Haha!
This development also led me to two hours plus on the phone with one of the organizers and probably the best friend I had in high school but didn't realize it at the time.My talk with Julie (the organizer) was awesome,she was not in my group but was always very kind to me and it was nice to talk with her.Diane (best friend) has had a rough go of it lately,oddly mirroring my own experiences with my parents in their fading hours was altogether different...sad in a good way.We have so much in common now as we did then,and that voice. I hope my insight into parents dying was helpful,and more importantly soothing,cause when my parents were winding down I sure could've used some reassurance and verbal/psychic hugs...mostly I got the suck it up message.
Here's my fantasy:
We rent a red VW bug (Diane's car in high school) me and her and Lanora pull up to the reunion with Mountains "mississippi queen" blaring from the stereo(only now it's CD and not 8 track).We bail out in a cloud of smoke that can only be from the reefer with dumb but knowing grins plastered on our faces in the knowledge that we have taken back a part of time and history and shoved it into the the face of the present.
I would love for that to happen.
I'm so sad these days,and I know there are thousands of reasons for this,but it's a good kind of sadness...the kind of sadness that makes me grow.
I want to rent that red VW in the baddest way.

I DON'T RECALL...

I have been following the "testimony" of our attorney general Alberto Gonzales (aka: Gonzo,Fredo,Torture Boy )with great interest.The frequency of his "I don't recall" responses to pretty simple and specific questions reminds me of all the other people in this administration who "don't recall" and causes me to wonder if there is a requirement that bush staffers(particularly those in upper level positions) have closed head injury listed somewhere on their resumes or they smoked way more weed than I did coming up.
Because here's the deal...by all accounts I should have a moderate to severe case of CRS (can't remember shit)considering my lifestyle over the years,but the fact remains that I remember events and conversations from years ago with a startling degree of clarity.
So...it begs the question:what's up with these motherfuckers that "don't recall"???
Gonzo says in response to Spector: "Senator you have to realize this took place over the course of 700 days,I had many conversations....blah blah blah yada yada".That's less than two years people!
If this asshat doesn't resign soon with all his bobbing and weaving and trying to reframe the context and what we used to call back in the psych wars days "red herring defensive plays" it will be a SHAME.
I've had 14 year old conduct disorders throw better bullshit than him.

APPARENTLY, I'M IN THE UK AND USING MY BANK CARD

Several mysterious charges appeared on my bank card originating in the UK. I had no idea I was on holiday there and charging things.
Thankfully we are generally poor people and there was not a large amount of money in our account.
Thankfully by snapping to this early on means we will be reimbursed fully without penalty.
As to the perpetrators, thankfully I don't know who you are,because if I did I would cut off/out your balls/uterus and shove it so down far your throat you would be choking into the next century.
Violate me up close like this and you would be killed in a most violent and humiliating way possible...or at the very least I would beat you half to death with a tow chain.
The card has been canceled...game over,unless I find out out who you are,and if you're doing some crazy internet bullshit that allows you to post from here to make it appear you are in the UK, you better pray to god I don't find out who you are.
Because I will kick your thieving lowlife ass into next week.
You seriously don't know who you're fucking with.

Who knew?
After all the negative feedback I've received at work lately, I was very surprised to see myself ranked 4th on the monthly performance competition for March. Not sure why I was surprised since the workplace is so full of contradiction, but I did take some small satisfaction from the ranking.

I'm also chuckling at my failed attempt the other day to ditch the "She Who is Never Tardy" title. I'm one of those weird people who leave the house early to allow for things such as traffic jams, rainy weather (Austin drivers freak out when it rains) and other unexpected events that could delay one's commute. As I result I'm at the office 15 to 30 minutes early which could be a good thing if I was able to actually use that time to get ready for the day. Instead, I'm usually grabbed the moment I walk in and tasked with something. I decided that I would stop giving that extra 15 to 30 minutes to the workplace and resolved to leave the house at a time that would put me to work only 5 minutes early if traffic conditions were average. In the process I forgot to grab my laptop and I cannot do my job without it so half-way there I had to turn around and go back for it. Surely this would garner me tardy points, but I still managed to arrive at work on time despite road construction on the way. That turned out to be a good thing since starting the very next day, I learned that tardies and absences were going to be weighted very heavily on performance rankings. I guess I'll stick with my old habit of leaving for work early and instead will work on developing a better snarl when I walk in the door so people will leave me alone.

PS - If I had enough clothes to pull it off, I would start wearing black and blue to work every day - I wonder if anyone would get it?

SAINT REV...OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

I got an email from a friend the other day whose basement bathroom light and fan quit working when they attempted to change a light bulb and could I come check it out.
Sure I will!
Since Ann is working till 10 tonight,tonight worked out for me and it worked out for my friend.
So I remove the fixture from the ceiling...no power.I check the switches...no power.I check the panel...nothing obviously tripped,but I reset some loose breakers anyway.
I walk back into the bathroom and what do I see? A GFI plug by the sink I hadn't noticed before. I push the reset button and BAM! everything comes back on.
Had I noticed the plug beforehand I could've saved 30 minutes of doodling with the light and switches.
I learned a lesson in diagnostics tonight that I really learned years ago working on cars.Start with the simple and the obvious,don't over think a problem.
And home in time for The Shield! Brilliant!

Speaking of brilliant....

YOU TUBE PROJECT

Me and my buddy Jon are gonna do a cover of that Death Cab For Cutie song I posted a while back and post it at you tube,where we will become instantly famous and/or hated universally.
Jon will play the guitar and I will sing.I'm sure he will have no problem with the guitar parts,but there is a problem with the singing part. I'm in the range,I know the words...the problem is I can't get halfway through it without dissolving into tears.So you get half a song and then a blubbering idiot.
Perhaps we should do another song,or I could just take some vicodin before we record.
HA!!!This rock and roll lifestyle!So many dilemmas!

Doh & Oops & Time to Stop Caring About It
Today is my swing shift, where I switch from working 7am to 4pm (usually much later) to 1pm to 10pm for one day of the week. I have this concept that I will sleep in on this day so I'm not dozing off at my keyboard at 9pm, but something always happens to prevent that. This morning when Rob's alarm went off I woke up enough to remember that there was a payroll deadline to meet by 10am. Bah. In the process of getting my corrections done, I realized I had screwed up on something - not just once, but twice during this pay period. Normally I would fess up to this, but I'm resisting the urge. My habit of finding and admitting my own mistakes has not served me well at at this company. Besides, I've been under the microscope for 6 months now so I'm sure it will be discovered without the need for me to bring it to anyone's attention. I'll just consider it part of the plan to stop doing X and start doing Y. I managed to follow that plan somewhat yesterday when I noticed a major scheduling mistake and ignored it since that was X and not Y. Of course, it caused all sorts of problems this morning that could have been avoided if I'd said something about it yesterday. I felt guilty for a while, but then I realized that X wouldn't get done once I no longer worked there so it might as well not get done now. Given the contradictions in my last review which make me damned if I do and damned if I don't, it's high time to stop caring about any of it beyond trying to get another paycheck or two out of the place.

BRUNCH DAY...

We headed out for mother egans at 11am, and they were closed.Set to open at noon.As we were both starving and Katz's Deli was less than a block away we opted for that.We've been there many times but never reviewed them.
They purport to be an authentic New York Deli,I don't know about all that,years ago it was darker,dingier,louder and ruder.Qualities that are no longer present,but I liked it better back in the day as it seemed like a NY deli I could imagine.
They have all things New York hanging all over the place,but the place is bright...and sterile almost.
Our server convinced me to go for the premium bloody,which by her estimation was way better than the standard bloody.It arrived with a jungle canopy sticking out of it...leafy celery stalk pierced with three olives and a yellow pepper,the glass rimmed with celery salt.After I ordered the standard issue and determined that I had paid an extra 2 bucks for celery salt.The standard issue came with the same salad poking out of it sans celery salt.




I got the yankee pot roast sandwich which ruled.A bit pricey at almost 10 bucks,but a fucking huge sandwich,I took half of it and half the fries home.The cole slaw was respectable.




Ann got the pecan pancakes...To quote her: "They were good...not excellent, but good".





Must have good Bloody Marys or Margaritas - check
Must have good coffee - nope
Must have breakfast food that Rob likes - check
Must have breakfast food that Ann likes - check
Must have good atmosphere - nope
Must have good service - check
Must be in reasonable driving distance - check
Bonus score for smoking section - nope



Katz's gets 5 out of 8 checks.

Then we came home and it was such a beautiful day,we hung out on the front porch and drank some more and played music,live and otherwise.I got a wild hair and went to Planet K to get a sticker for my banjo,and ultimately a skeleton statue of liberty bobble head and a new coffay cup for Ann.








I took Irene with me and they are pet friendly,so she got to run around loose in a head shop. I also went to Waterloo records and scored the mondo depressing The River by Bruce Springsteen and at Ann's request,a greatest hits CD of Foreigner.(That CD induced much loud cackling...dirty white boy indeed!) Normally,they are pet friendly, but they were having a 25th anniversary celebration with a big parking lot concert and Irene couldn't come inside.The bouncer was way cool and watched her for me while I was in and out. She was a big hit everywhere we went and I learned something about the Beenz...she will hang out in the front yard sans leash and stay in the yard without constant supervision...she also loves our neighbor Jen.
We finally moved to the back deck to include Theo,who is older,grumpier and less social.




All in all,a superlative sunday.

I hope I'm a fig tree
I had a performance review at work on Friday which was pretty negative. It boiled down to the fact that I'm too often doing X when I need to be doing Y. There happen to be a lot of reasons why I am the one that always ends up doing X while everyone else has the time to do Y, but those reasons were dismissed as "just excuses". Now I tend to be fairly pragmatic so I resolved to avoid doing X and do only Y from that point forward. Well, as my luck would have it, on Saturday there were circumstances that forced me to do X instead of Y. And thinking about the big picture today I've realized that I will inevitably continue to have to do X instead of Y until such time as I am fired (which could be as soon as next Friday.) At this point you may be wondering what the hell this has to do with a fig tree so let me explain. We have a fig tree in the back yard that was planted way too close to a patio and was pushing the roof off. We cut it down to a stump, but it came back and eventually started pushing the roof off again. We've repeated this several times and I noticed today that it might be time to chop it to the ground once again. Now you might be thinking that I'm hoping that I show that same resiliency as the fig tree if the ax falls for me at work, but what I'm really hoping for is that the ax falls because I'm pushing the roof off. :P

SUNDAY...SUNDAY...SUNDAY!

Todays breakfast and booze quest (tm) will bring us to Mother Egans Irish pub.Check back later for the review.
Still no phone,but I found out why...that model is on back order.Why it took 3 calls to determine this is beyond me,but my "express" delivery fee was credited and when the back order arrives they will express ship it to me for free.It's not like I don't have a phone,so it's not a big deal communication wise,just another example of spotty customer service.
The rear drivers side door of my rodeo has been acting up,the latch gets stuck in the closed position and the door will not close.I have managed to get it unjammed twice now and both times resolved to just not use that door.Yesterday I was leaving my buddy Jon's house and opened said door to put my banjo in the back seat and it jammed again.
After a Homer like DOH! we attempted to unjam it,but being in an altered state* (ahem)we were not successful so I opted to tape the door shut and go home and deal with it later.
*This is essential to banjo playing BTW.
I woke up this morning at 5:30 and after some coffee I went outside and commenced to fixing the door,it's like I woke up and knew what I needed to do.Now I just need to remember to not open that door ever again...right,like that's gonna happen.
I sampled one of my pickled eggs this morning.It's only been a week but wow.It was tasty.
I won't be continuing the diversity posts because,well,it's like holding the tar baby so to speak,or like the nigger in the wood pile.I was trying to make a point that is unmakeable...you either get it or you don't.Hypocrisy has become a national past time and it's just not worth the time to point it out.The issue of racism in this country will never be resolved because everyone is, at their core racist on some level.
It's in the ground water.

THE DIVERSITY TRAINER (DAY ONE)

Back in the day I used to teach something called PMAB or Preventive Management of Aggressive Behavior. I taught it a lot,I was good at it. I taught newbie mental health workers how to manage crisis situations verbally and if that didn't work,how to kick some psychiatric ass.
I was certified by Cornell university to do this.
Taking my experience into account and considering the new door the firing of Imus has opened I have been developing a diversity training program geared towards the likes of Imus and the others like him.
I presented my seminar to a test group including Imus,Stern,O'Reilly,Savage,among other "shock jocks" in need of some "re-education".
Here's my outline of my presentation.

8am: Registration and distribution of workshop materials including a miniature confederate flag,a white hood,and a 16 oz. bottle of pure distilled hate.Coffee and donuts provided.The coffee is black and the donuts are chocolate.Let the indoctrination begin.
8:30am: Pick a table of hate. Participants choose a group table based on what they hate...each table seats 8. The nigger table fills up first,followed closely by the jew table, then the arab table followed closely by the wetback table (with it's distinctive sombrero motif) and finally the Irish table is partially filled by a conglomerate of nigger,arab,jew,wetback haters that overslept and missed the 8am registration.
They don't hate the Irish, but hey, it's close to the snack line.And they will hate anyone for a fresh danish.
9am:Introduction and mission statement.
"Hello and welcome to Diversity NOW 2007! I'm your instructor Th' Rev. I'm a certified instructor in all things diverse.How are ya'll doin'?!?!OK...Let's get to it,repeat after me:
Me:"All niggers are lazy"!
Group:"All niggers are lazy".
Me:"I can't hear you"!
Group:"ALL NIGGERS ARE LAZY"!
Me:"Thats more like like it...NOW!All mexicans are thieves"!
Group:"All mexicans are thieves".
Me:"What??? I CAN'T HEAR YOU"!!!
Group:"ALL MEXICANS ARE THIEVES"!
Me:"Thats right"!Now,what happens when niggers and mexicans interbreed"?"Limbaugh,what do you think"?
Limbaugh: "A race too lazy to steal"?
Me:"Exactamundo! You rancid pile of shit"!If mexicans and niggers interbred they would produce a generation of caramel colored abusers of the system and society".
Limbaugh:" I knew I was in tune...I knew it"!
Me:OK...Now group,repeat after me, "Jews control hollywood with the syphlitic grip of Al Capone".
Group:"Jews control hollywood with the syphlitic grip of Al Capone"!
Me:"OOOOHHHH...this group is really in touch with the jew threat to our country, but it's time for a commercial break from our friends at Nathans kosher hotdogs,made by jews,not out of them, like in 1930's germany...we'll be right back".
Stay tuned for more...

IRENE GETS STRANGER AS SHE GETS OLDER...

Check her new eating stance...

ACE OF SPADES!



This rules...

THIS IS AN INJUSTICE!

I was at the store today and there was this couple who were staring at my tattoos and piercings and whispering to each other between titters of nervous laughter. I swear I heard "old ass hippy-punk rocker-hippy again-then punker-currently a hippy" and "Do you think he still does drugs"?
I was crushed...devastated that people would prejudge me based solely on my appearance.
After choking back tears on the snack aisle as memories of the abuse subjected to me in the 70's for being a "Goll Dang hippy" (for the record,I wasn't ever a hippy...I was a freak god dammit...if you have to deride me,deride me right.Apply the correct narrow minded stereotypic characterization. BTW,FUCK hippys,they had nothing on us freaks).
This kind of ugly shit happens to me at least twice a year and I'm sick of it.
If I had a public forum like say, those nappy headed ho's over at Rutgers I would hold a press conference and talk about how smart and talented I am and that would show the world that they have been wrong about me and my kind for generations.
But since I don't,I'll say this to that couple who crippled me emotionally:
If I ever see you at the store again,I will kill you for having an opinion that made me uncomfortable,or,at the very least,tump you cart over in the parking lot and hopefully break your eggs and all your glass items.
That'll teach 'em to hold up their prejudice for the world to see.

I THINK THEY FUCKED UP...

As I posted yesterday,I am waiting for a new phone to arrive via UPS via T Mobile and it still hasn't arrived.
The support person's advice from yesterday has yielded no results beyond pissing me off.
The support person today was very good at not letting me get in a word edgewise and filed a handset tracking request for me (another 72 hours possibly) but beyond that was a friendly bunch of useless bullshit.
Someone obviously dropped the ball here. T mobile or UPS ? is the question.
I have not been an ass at all (yet) but it really pisses me off that I paid for express delivery and didn't get it.
And I so missed a kodak moment at work today...

NAPPY

...headed ho's...nigga bitches...spade...spook...bluegum...porch monkey...jig...spear chucker...3/5's of a white man...flib jibba.Did any of you go blind reading the former?
Anybody die or suffer some atrocity by reading those words?I didn't think so.
OK...I grew up in the south so I got a million of 'em.Does that make me a racist?Because I was exposed to this terminology throughout my childhood but never embraced the redneck hatred connected to it because I grew up around people of color and suffered the same derision from said rednecks because I was a hippy?
Growing up in the south was fun...let me tell you.
This Imus thing has really been bothering me.Sure,it was in poor taste,but does it really warrant firing the guy?I haven't seen the film that prompted the comment that resulted in the ensuing shit storm, but I have seen thuggish looking black women all tatted up and rough looking...Black basketball players in general look like criminals
male or female if you buy into the stereotype.Imus apparently was all in.
Having a few tats myself,I understand the art of decorating ones self...you're making a statement,setting yourself apart from the herd.And leaving yourself open to be misunderstood and the subject of commentary by people who don't understand.Imus is clearly not a racist...he's a dumbass who thought he was being funny.
The real racists here are Sharpton and his ilk and the rutgers team who saw an opportunity and seized upon it to take a public figure down.
And it worked,and they all should be ashamed of themselves.
Words...it's just words,and since when did the color of your skin dictate what words you can or cannot say?
Everybody needs to lighten the fuck up,that's all I'm sayin'.
Nigga...

WHERE MY PHONE AT?

I've had the same samsung phone since I left the warm embrace of hines pool and spa and that was awhile ago. Being satisfied with my service,I took advantage of an upgrade offer that got me a 200 dolla phone for "free" (I had to extend my contract).
That was on Sunday.I paid for express shipping(15 dolla...I know...15 dolla too boo koo! 5 dolla each!)and said phone has yet to make an appearance.
So I called my carrier to find out what was going on.
Initially it was a star trek interactive computer voice that told me I could simply speak my inquiries into the phone and it would help me.Wrong...after attempting to deal with this cyborg from hell I finally just said over and over "Let me talk to a REAL person" until the cyber satan gave up and passed me on to the humans employed there.
She was chipper and attentive and very helpful,but ultimately her advice turned out to be as useful as tits on a boar hog.
My new phone was at some UPS depot and had not been scanned in yet,and therefore,there was no tracking number with which to track it(like my banjo which I cyber followed across the US because,apparently the banjo hut has it's shit in one sock when it comes to shipping things).
But...I could track by reference,the reference in this case being my phone number dashes included .The support person and I shared pleasantries and I went to the UPS tracking page and typed in my information.
No dice.
If my phone isn't here tomorrow I'm calling my carrier back and will repeat the phrase "Where my phone at"? in response to every cyber satan inquiry until I get a real live fucking human.
I fucking HATE automated phone systems.

IT'S A NEW REALITY TV SHOW...

PIOUS AMERICAS GREATEST ICON!!!
(cue inspirational music and shot of studio audience swaying in a evangelical stupor)
Pan to judges panel...Tom DeLay (wild applause),Shakira (confused applause),Pat Robertson (wild applause)and Th'Rev (revulsed,stunned silence)
Pan to audience(summer teeth and low eyebrows).
The rules: Examine the body of work of each contestant and deem them pious or shit.If deemed shit,they are sent to that market in Iraq without benefit of guards and armor and choppers...they get dumped with some nylons and a bag of skittles.
Two at a time...
Break to music..."Proud to be an american",pan contestants and audience break to commercial...oh,how about the new Hallmark one schleping the "sorry about your traumatic amputation" series of patriotic sympathy cards,or perhaps the "at least you're not gay" cards from the congratulatory line.
Tonights episode...

1. John MacArthur
2. Chuck Swindoll
3. Ravi Zacharias
4. Charles Stanley
5. Chuck Missler
6. Lambert Dolphin
7. Dave Hunt
8. Hal Lindsey
9. James Dobson...Leader of Focus on the Family...(cue IED sound effect) Sent to Iraq.
10. Herb Peters
11. Greg Laurie
12. Erwin Lutzer
13. Jack Hayford
14. Ken Ham
15. Alistair Begg
16. D. James Kennedy
17. Chuck Colson
18. Josh McDowell
19. Dennis Prager...Jew?Christian?Jew?...hates gays,habitually blends church and state and jews...(cue klezmer band soundtrack) sent to Iraq...substitute nylons with a bedsheet with a hole in the center.
We have a bonus round!
20. Michael Medved...Film critic,pundit,full of it.Given deal or no deal option,drew one way trip to Afghanistan with 50 bucks and no passport...see ya medved!Keep an eye out for Micheal Savage (He's got the nylons and the candy).
Cue theme music and cut to commercial...
Stay tuned for the next episode of "PIOUS AMERICAS GREATEST ICON!!!"
(Start opening of the 700 club...split screen)

THE BREAKFAST AND BOOZE QUEST # 2

La Feria on So. Lamar

Must have good Bloody Marys or Margaritas - check
Must have good coffee - nope
Must have breakfast food that Rob likes - check
Must have breakfast food that Ann likes - nope
Must have good atmosphere - 1/2 check*
Must have good service - check
Must be in reasonable driving distance - check
Bonus score for smoking section - check

*Usually the atmosphere is good, but sometimes there are large parties with feral children or 20 something chicks that sound like a pod of dolphins or if you prefer several Maria Careys hitting high notes.
Thursday is no good because of the 10 member mariachi band that has 4 or 5 horns.
La Feria gets 5 1/2 out of 8 checks.

MORE GOOD CHRISTIANS

This is the Westborough baptist church based in Topeka Kansas.Mostly it's one extended(most likely incestuous)family...the Phelps.They have a website called god hates fags and have been picketing dead soldiers funerals for quite some time now. See for yourself...





Who wants to go with me to Topeka and picket these miscreants with me?Seriously.They need to be eliminated.If they ever come to Austin to picket a funeral I will be there
bat in hand,and it won't be pretty.I promise.
Fuckers...

TH'REV'S MAGIC PICKLED EGGS!

Ready for munchin' on 4-22-07!

HAPPY EASTER!
OK...so it's a chocolate bunny.It's still crucified...sort of.
Or...if you prefer something a bit more realistic,a plush toy.

PICKLED EGGS AND EASTER

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday,and to celebrate I'm going to crucify a bunny in the back yard.And then I am going to pickle some eggs.My mom used to use left over commercial pickle juice to do this,and that's how I've done it up to now. I have conjured a recipe up after consulting the interweb tubes for a baseline.
12 hard boiled eggs...peeled and cooled.
4 cups vinegar,10 whole peppercorns,10 whole garlic cloves,1 tsp ginger,1 tsp mustard powder and 1 tsp celery salt...brought to a boil and simmered for 10 minutes.
After it cools,pour over eggs in a canning jar,seal and put in the fridge for 2 weeks.

Jack of All Trades, Master of None
I'm at work today and I get an IM from one of my co-workers over at the new place (we have new center and are gradually all moving over there.)
Co-worker: Can you call the Big Boss for me? I'm having trouble reaching his cell phone for some reason.
Me: Sure, what's up?
Co-worker: It's cold over here and the thermostats are just set to cool, no heat. I can't find the key for them.
Me: Do you remember how to make a paper clip key?
(I showed him how to do this a while back when we couldn't find the key for the paper towel dispenser.)
Co-worker: No.
Me: K, I'll be over in a bit.

Once again, I am the fix-it person around the place, be it printers, computers, thermostats, coffee pots, recalcitrant file cabinets, sticky doors or uncooperative toilets. It's a role I've played most of my working life, even when I'm one of the few women (or only woman) in the workplace. I've never figured out how I'm able to fix stuff when no one else can - I guess I just think differently which enables me to determine there's actually a paper jam even though the printer display says it's out of toner. And on many, many occasions, I fix things just by standing next to the misbehaving device and doing nothing - go figure. I don't know if it's a knack, a talent or some sort of subconscious communication at a mechanical level, but I'm sure if there was a test for such a thing that I'd score way above the average folk. Because when no one else at the office can fix it, I usually can. Just another one of life's little mysteries.

THE DISCUSSION CONTINUES...

Lets examine the religious end of things some more. Lets look at some men of god.
Jim Baker...adulterer,thief,liar.
Jimmy Swaggart...whore monger,chronic masturbator/cry baby.
Jim Jones...crazy.Kool aid.
Jerry Falwell...crazy racist homophobe.
Pat Robertson...crazy racist homophobe x 10.
Bill Donohue...hate spewing leader of the catholic league.
Ted Haggard...dick smoking crank snorting former head of the largest evangelical organisation in the country...who,by the way was cured of his homosexuality in 3 weeks! It's a miracle I tell you!!!
And it would be a shame to not mention the long line of catholic priests that have systematically sexually abused 1000's of boys and some girls.
That's not to say that there are men of the cloth out there doing gods work in earnest without the benefit of pedo-percs,but you rarely hear about them.
So...what separates these asshats from the rest of society?Religion.
That's right, there are plenty of secular people that lie,cheat,steal and molest kids,only they aren't running around espousing the word of god between blow jobs or whatever deviance they're up to at the moment.
Shouldn't men of godhold themselves to a higher standard?Sure they should,and I'm sure most of them do,but the above mentioned and those who haven't been exposed yet treat religion as a commodity to be traded for your faith and your money and your soul. To be duped by god by proxy is a bitter pill.

48% OF AMERICANS BUY INTO THIS SHIT

I saw an article the other day that said 48% of americans accept creation theory over evolution theory.Wow...I was stunned, but only for a minute.Then I realized what I was dealing with in regard to this 48%...a bunch of backward thinking idiots who probably slept through biology 101 in high school and think the fossil record is a collection of 60's one hit wonders out out by K-Tel.
So...lets set the table,48% of us believe that this dude named god not only created the universe,but humans and everything else in SIX days 10,000 years ago.(fossil record).They also believe science is so much mumbo jumbo designed to lead them off the path of god.
When I was very young I got a toy for christmas called creepy crawlers which was basically a heated mold injection thing with some molds and a heating unit and some tubes of multi colored plastic shit and with it I could create creatures of any color I wanted.It was very cool(the following christmas I got the version that allowed you to make race car bodies in a similar fashion...it was cool too).
I've gone round and round with this debate almost all my life,my father was a wanna be paleontologist/archeologist who studied the origins of man and culture. I was in the field at 7 or 8 and have seen and held the fossil recordin my very own hands as proof that nobody sitting up on a cloud had anything to do with where we are now.With the possible exception of putting it all in motion,but that's a concession and horns of a dilemma I'll ride some other time.
Lets take a look at religion first.
Nobody can agree on exactly what constitutes the baseline for creation and religiosity...there are many faiths and they all contradict each other on the finer points of what (if anything ) actually happened.
Or even better yet,let's examine the current administration led by a "born again" buffoon who says Jesus is his hero.His party plays along in lockstep. They lie,they cheat,they hurt people...in the name of god.
I don't want anything to do with that kind of god.
Faith is abstract...it's what you believe.And being abstract it's open to distortion,and it has been distorted over and over again by catholics,by Lutherans,by mormons,by jews,by islam...the list goes on,but it remains clear that creation is a fluid doctrine that attempts to explain (frequently in a malevolent manner)how we got here.
I'm for the fossil record.
"Your religion is nothing to be proud of" (Nailbomb)

JUST HAD TO SHARE

I imagine most of you have already seen this little jem,but HOO WHEE!!! it's Goll Dang funny!

IN THE BLACKEST OF ROOMS

I remember when my mom was dying,sitting in the corner of the hospital room,my copy of Jurassic park in my lap,I fell asleep to Debbie admonishing my mother to "go to the light" "Go Maureen...."! "Go to the light"! The light of what exactly?
The bright burning light of the realization that you are dead? And what's so bright about that? You are dead...you will NEVER do anything again that means a goddamned thing. Because you are DEAD,like that Monty Python parrot,you have ceased to exist.
You are an ex parrot...far removed from
the land of the living.
And that's sad...you've lost a loved one...you miss them...but remember this,a parable (probably best remembered from a TV show about gorilla heads )that defines the spirit of loss.
"For every one returned to the ground,there is one left standing" or something like that.
Annabelle still has her mom and dad,I do not.And I struggle with what hurts more...the loss,or the impending dark.

DOGGIE HEROIN

In the form of a tartan patterned dog bed for dogs up to 75 pounds for $10.00.Ann placed it between our desks primarily for Theo,but Beenz took it over right away. But the effect is both dramatic and immediate for them both.
They walk upon it and just have to lay the fuck down...nay...dig in for Beenz and stretch out for Theo.
I'm going back to score another tartan love brick for them tomorrow...so they can each tune in and drop out whenever they want to.

IT'S HERE!



I have never played a banjo in my life. The tuning is different,the neck is different,it's a whole nother animal as opposed to the geetar.I'm completely lost and loving it.
I even made a comic to commemorate the event:

TH' REV GETS A BANJO

From rejuvenation to anger
I had such a nice day yesterday that going back to work this morning was just like going back after a vacation. As a result, what usually happens to me after a vacation happened to me this morning - all the bullshit crap that I've been ignoring was suddenly sticking out like a sore thumb and really pissing me off. In fact, I was so pissed that by the time I finally got someone to cover for lunch at 2pm (I start work at 7am) I drove all the way home just to burn off some steam and get the fuck away from there. I hate driving and I especially hate driving to and from work twice in the same day, but I really didn't want to take this mood anywhere else but home. And now that I've used up the 15 minutes of my lunch hour that isn't spent driving, I should probably convince myself to go back and finish the day.

One hell of a week has a happy ending
Yes, multiple posts in one day when I usually go weeks or months with none. But it's been a different sort of day from all the days I've had lately and it comes on the tail end of a week that left me with some of the worst exhaustion I've ever felt. You see, last Sunday my dad went into the hospital for pneumonia. The prognosis was grim, but not ghastly and I went on to work on Monday to start my string of 10 to 12 hours days in the office followed by more hours at home at night in an effort to keep my job (because once again I am almost fired.) Tuesday was more of the same, but on Wednesday things started to look really bad for my dad and there was some serious doubt that he was going to pull through. I kept working since my brother was able to hang out at the hospital with my mom (and that was what my dad would have wanted me to do, Mr. Workaholic himself), but I was constantly on edge waiting for the phone to ring with some bad news. Rinse and repeat on Thursday and Friday, but lo and behold on Saturday morning things were looking up. Once again my dad had thumbed his nose at the medical community and was apparently going to pull through after all. So off to work I went (yes, that's day six in a row for those of you that are counting) and I ended up leaving the office around 8 PM. I decided to skip the hospital visit since my dad was doing better to go have dinner with Rob (who hadn't seen much of me this week.) I then went back home planning to finish up some work tasks, but my body and mind had other ideas and decided it had enough - it was either go straight to bed or collapse on the spot. Not wanting to collapse on the spot, freak Rob out and end up in the hospital myself, I did the smart thing and went to bed. And damned if I didn't have the first good night's sleep I'd had in weeks. I actually I woke up this morning refreshed and I also didn't give a shit about keeping that stupid job anymore. There was apparently some major chemical reordering done in my system over night and I'm convinced that it's far superior to anything medical science could have provided. I also got a phone call this morning that my dad would be going home today and there was no need to hang out at the hospital since I could just visit him at his house later this evening. This gave me the day free to hang out with Rob, enjoy the perfect weather, write a few blog posts and read a few of my favorite blogs. I did absolutely nothing work related and there will be hell to pay for that in the morning, but for now I'm feeling just fine. And I'd really like it to stay that way.

THE OTHER HALF OF TODAYS ADVENTURE

I lost an ear ring during the night, and being sick of losing them every few months,I decided to get something that wouldn't come out on it's own...



Take that ear ring eating couch and/or pillows!

The Ongoing Booze and Breakfast Quest
Today's attempt to find the perfect booze and breakfast spot had us stopping by Opal Divine's on 6th street. The atmosphere and service were great, but the breakfast was mediocre. Rob gave the Bloody Marys high praise, but I didn't care for the coffee much (and in my opinion, designated drivers deserve to drink excellent coffee.) Here is how Opal Divine's did on the Depthmarker scorecard:

Must have good Bloody Marys or Margaritas - check
Must have good coffee - nope
Must have breakfast food that Rob likes - nope
Must have breakfast food that Ann likes - nope
Must have good atmosphere - check
Must have good service - check
Must be in reasonable driving distance - check
Bonus score for smoking section - check

The place gets five checks out of a possible eight which is not the worse score we've seen so far, but certainly not enough to earn the title of The Perfect Booze and Breakfast spot.


We even took camera phone pictures:

Spring
I was in the mood for a new spring dress* today. And given all the Soccer Hooligan music that's been played around here since St. Patrick's Day, I decided to choose a green font and a Celtic-knot pattern for the background.

*usage stolen from Blue Witch

Lux
A while back, a Keurig coffee maker appeared at the office. I tried a few cups and decided I wanted one at home. Now $100 is a lot of money for a coffee pot and the coffee for it isn't exactly cheap either so I thought about it for several weeks while I saved pennies for such an extravagant expense. There was also the problem that the k-cups weren't recyclable and one of my pet peeves is the excess packaging that I already have to stuff in my trashcan every day. Despite all these misgivings, the coffee was so damn good that I did go ahead and buy one and I'd have to say it was one of the best purchases I have ever made. The ability to have a cup of excellent coffee first thing in the morning without any fumbling of water or grinding of coffee beans and virtually no wait for the brewing is pure luxury. The only way I could top this would be if I had hired help to grind the beans, boil the water, french press a cup and then bring it to me in bed.