Friday, October 17, 2008


I tried to watch Hamburger Hill tonight,and I just couldn't do it.This was a mainstay of our days in CSO...we would deal with crazies all night and then gather at my place for a marathon of beer,drugs and war movies.
And while it steeled us back in the day,all it did tonight was upset me and make me sad.
It's hard to explain what we went through back in those days of CSO...I used to think I understood it but I don't know so much anymore.It was crazy,it was frequently violent,there was blood and fisticuffs.We ate it the fuck up.
And now I find myself a casualty of those days.
I have a normal life but if pressed or accosted look the fuck out,because I will crush you...that's just how my brain works now.It's not my primary state of being to be sure.
But it's always "fuck with me and see what happens" underneath.
So you can imagine my conundrum...repelled by violence but capable of inflicting it.
There's no danger of it leaping out unprovoked...I'm a peace loving man,but god help the asshole that decides to fuck with me.
Does that make me unbalanced or prepared?
I wonder sometimes.

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