Overall,I've been doing pretty good at behaving myself,but Sunday,not so much.By the end of the night I was pretty hammered.I can think of several reasons for this.It has,in general been a period of high emotion and introspection for me on a number of levels for a while now.You could call it a mid-life crisis,but I prefer to call it "same old shit,just farther down the line".
I have been very worried about Ann's ongoing health issues,more to the point,it scares the hell out of me on a number of levels I won't even get into.I don't deal with issues of even skirting around mortality...not for myself,not for my pets,and certainly not about the most important person in my life.I'm a lot like my Dad was on these issues-and he was a man too-ha!
My relationship with my son and his family is evolving,in good ways.In ways that were ,because of my recent introspection,bringing up issues of my own worth as a father-but more importantly-a Dad.We went to see them on Sunday,and this all came bubbling up.I won't go into details,but we had a talk and hug and it turns out I wasn't so bad after all,and he learned from my mistakes-Hey,learning is learning,right?
Plus something else happened on Saturday that ended up involving my son,although it shouldn't have,and he had my back...
My phone started ringing on Saturday afternoon-I recognized the number of a former friend.I didn't answer,and it rang again,then again.There was a message.This is the guy I had the falling out with last summer involving the slayer show in San Antonio.He had an extra ticket to the Marilyn Manson show,it's free,we could "bury the hatchet"...blah-blah-blah.
I have no interest in mending fences...I guess you could call it a grudge,I call it "done".
Anyhoo-my son and his wife and some friends are going to the show,so I call him to give him a heads up.It's important to note thet they have known each other since Kyle was a little boy,and at the last show Kyle saw him at,he was snubbed.It hurt his feelings and pissed him off.
Well,needless to say,there was a confrontation at the Manson show.And while Kyle felt put upon-after all,why should he have to deal with an issue that has nothing to do with him except he happens to be my son?He's 23 now,and his own man,he basically told this guy,and his wife and some other guy to fuck off..."even if my Dad is wrong,he's my Dad and I'm gonna back him up".
There was attempted guilt tripping:Guy:"You know I've always loved you like a little brother".
Kyle:"So where have you been for the last 2 years"?Guy:"You know your Dad has a problem".
Kyle:(pointing to drink)"And what do you call that"?
That he had to be subjected to this kind of horse shit from a guy pushing 40 bothers me,but,according to Kyle,he shot him down at every turn and even kind of enjoyed it.But it still bothered me.
Work has been boring...
So...add all this up and it's a good excuse to get hammered,in my mind at the time anyway.
My buddy in Colorado called me at lunch today and asked me if I was good on Sunday (something we have been discussing-skip a day of usual behavior) and while I was tempted to lie and say I was,I couldn't,and I told him the truth.And that's what he focused on...that we won't lie to each other and that made him "proud of me"-"not that it matters to you if I am or not".
I can't lie to a friend,and I think him being "proud" is more a statement of the value of our friendship in as much as I'm not going to be dishonest with him,nor him to me.
So,in closing,some good-some bad.And life goes on for another 24.