IF I WAS SO INCLINED

theres nothing like an injury that leaves you physically depleted when you are already spiritually and emotionally depleted to put you into a dark space, not dark like black dark, but decidedly a darker shade of gray than the one you were dealing with prior to getting hurt. Now, not only am I hurting on an emotional level, I am wounded on a physical level as well. I am literally walking wounded, I move like that Tim Conway character on the old Carol Burnett show.
Like most of us these days, money is an issue, and money (or the lack thereof) has had me down for some time. My unemployment, Ann's unemployment and the looming property tax bill, amongst other bills has me in "rat in the corner" mode, reduced to arching my back and hissing instead of any meaningful response. My rational self knows that it's not really that bad, but try telling that to my "less balanced self".
I read Billy's post today about his "less than stable" adventures involving oral surgery, a fixation on toilet availability and the size of his willy, and while I can't really relate to the specifics of his post ( I could shit in a coffee can on the steps of the capitol and not bat an eye, I am hung like a fucking horse, and my wisdom teeth were kinder to me than Billy's were) I was right there with him regarding the pervasive "craziness" of ones thought's when faced with stressful situations.
That's about it folks...I am feeling pretty crazy these days. I am a vodka swilling, chain smoking mess of my former self, which is basically the vodka swilling and chain smoking minus the crazy part.
I earn a decent living, but I could be laid off at a moments notice, albeit a long moments notice as I have seniority over all but one of the apprentices. I like my job...a lot, I remain excited about the prospect of someday being a journeyman electrician, but I am restless at the same time. I wonder if I am missing out on what was once my "true calling", that life I left behind when I traded a level head and rational discourse for a pool net and brush only to ultimately land in a world of juvenile adults with a tool bag, a knowledge of the demon electricity and a predilection to substance abuse. But I fear that path is closed to me now, as the "helping field" has changed alot in the last 10 or so years, and my brand of it has been replaced by brand that I hardly recognize or understand. When you're out of the loop, well you just are. And then there's that small detail about appearance...I don't "look" like a social worker, I haven't for a long time. And that's the biggest barrier, and the biggest irony of this part of the dilemma. I no longer fit in the acceptable range of appearance for a field that built it's reputation on being "tolerant" and "accepting" of all people. My options are limited by the people who judge, but make their living being "non-judgemental" and "open minded". And that makes me wonder if I want to get involved with people who pretend to not be hypocrites but really are underneath it all.
Which brings me back to "If I was so inclined..." How would I finish that statement? And, consider your life up to now, how would you?
I don't know...Do you???