Sure, some of this is just grief, but there's more going on in my life than Mark's death and that's the problem. Bills to pay, laundry to do, a house to clean, events to go to, dogs to take care of, a job to work at... it's almost impossible to find a moment of peace and quiet to just THINK about things. Big things like death and life and spirituality and why are we here and why do things happen. I lost a great opportunity last week when I couldn't sleep - I should have been thinking about those big things instead of thinking about the fact that I couldn't sleep and all that other "stuff" I need to do such as getting up to go to work and paying the electric bill. This "modern world" has me so disconnected. Then again, maybe older times weren't much better and people lay awake worrying about whatever their worries might have been at the time instead of focusing on the bigger issues.
I'm not much for the trappings of religion. I was raised a Catholic and there's much about that which I hold dear, but I'm no longer a Catholic. I'm not a Protestant nor a Pagan nor a Buddhist. I've yet to find any one "religion" that fits my beliefs. I draw from those religions mentioned above and many others, but mostly you could say I belong to the church of Ann which has only a single member and it's philosophies and dogma are based purely on personal experience which includes more than a few "miraculous" events that have occurred over my lifetime. I am definitely not an atheist and while I admire and respect the teachings of Christ, I cannot truly call myself a Christian because I do not believe Christ is the end all and be all of salvation. Maybe it's all those Baptist revivals that I attended with my friends as a child that turned me off, but you cannot convince me that Mahatma Ghandi is going to hell because he didn't accept Jesus Christ as his personal savior.
I believe, at the core of my being, that everything happens for a reason. Yet, when a friend takes his own life, I can't help but question that belief. It's in my nature to question things. "Question Authority" was one of my favorite bumper stickers in my youth and I questioned "God" and "Religion" and "Government" and "Science" then and I still do now. I questioned myself as well. Even those things I think I "know", those things that have a feeling of certainty that can not be explained, even those things are subject to review. Now is one of those times of review, a time of confirming beliefs or establishing new ones. But where is the time? I have to find the time.