I DIDN'T WANT TO GET UP THIS MORNING
The alarm was going off, like it's suppose to. It was monday...time to go to work for another 5 days. But I just didn't want to. I did , but I resented it.
It was such a long weekend, full of tears and angst and friendship and connections.
Yesterday was particularly difficult. Marks girl, who also happens to be my other most favorite girl in the world, spent the day with us.
As you can imagine, she is crushed. She is more than crushed, really...up until the moment, Mark had been by her side for a week, helping her recover from a surgery. He "petted her head", he ran her errands, he cooked her meals...he was so there for her. And then he went away, breaking all our hearts, but hers especially.
She has been a special part of me and Ann's life for better than a decade...our collective little sister we never had. It was hard to know what to say.
I'm not one to resort to cliches (unless it's for some comic or sarcastic gain) so I couldn't go there.
So I just relied on the truth.
She thought she might want to see him one more time, at the viewing. I said why would you want to taint your memories by looking at a shell? That's not him anymore. I wanted to see my Dad's body when he died, sounder heads prevailed and I didn't do it and I'm glad I didn't.
You don't want to do that Ash, keep the images in your head and your heart. Don't ruin it with the image of a body. That's not him anymore.
By the end of the day, there were less tears, a little bit more laughter between them anyway, and she was surrounded by me and Ann and a shitload of other people who love her...all day.
Let me tell you, even though I would and will do it at the drop of a hat for her again...anytime under any circumstance, it compounded things for me.
So today, I went to work, even though I didn't want to. I looked at the sky...a lot.
And I thought about our circle of friends and how connected we are in spite of sporadic conditions created by making a living...the rain checks, the missed phone calls, the misunderstandings, the down time. All of the things that make friendships a challenge. And I promised to myself to be a better friend to them all...in the small ways...just being around.
And I looked at those big billowy white clouds on a blue background a lot.
I was looking for something...I was looking for Mark.
As a friend at work today said, he's free now...but were still here struggling.
I wanted to see a glimpse of Mark, free from the struggle, in the sky.
I didn't see him today...maybe tomorrow...in his cowboy hat would be cool.
The world is somehow a bit smaller, and quieter.