Then and Now
One of my most vivid childhood memories is one of going to bed at 8:00 on a perfect early summer's evening. It's still daylight and the windows are open because we don't have air conditioning. I can hear my friends playing outside and I envy them, those children who get to stay up as late as they want in the summer because they don't have to get up early and go to daycare. They are playing badminton in the street in front of my house and I so desperately want to be out there playing with them until the sun goes down and you can no longer see the shuttlecock. They are using my badminton set and I'm not so envious that I take it away from them when I have to go to bed, though I do wonder how many shuttlecocks I will have to get out of the trees the next day and if I have enough in savings to replace any broken racquets or lost shuttles.

I was very young at the time, either six or seven years old, and when a similar situation occurs today, I still do the exact same thing. I'll leave my toys behind so folks can continue their fun and then fall asleep wondering what shape they'll be in when I get them back and if I have the money to fix or replace them. However, there's a distinct difference in feeling between the childhood memories and the adult version of the same situation. As a child, I didn't have anxiety or resentment associated with the thought that I might have to replace an item. It was just a matter-of-fact analysis of the situation. There was no concern over the fact that someone might be careless or that some items might not be returned at all. My "innocence of childhood" had nothing to do with trust. I wasn't blissfully unaware that people might steal or damage my things. That did happen from time to time, but I didn't fret about what I would do if Susie who was visiting from San Antonio ran off with my badminton set, never to be seen again. So what was so different then that enabled me to drift off to sleep, worry free?

My first thought was that I hadn't yet developed an attachment to my possessions, but that didn't explain it because I did value them. I worked odd jobs around the neighborhood to earn money to buy things and this was not something that was simply handed to me by my parents. My second thought was that it was from the "endless possibilities" attitude that children often have. There will alway be more odd jobs, more money and another badminton set. That didn't ring true either because while I do recall that having that attitude at one time, I'm certain that it vanished by age four. No, I think the difference is that I didn't view other people's behavior as a reflection on myself. Susie running off with my badminton set didn't carry the same meaning then as it would now. If Susie ran off with my stuff when I was age seven, then Susie might be a thief or maybe her parents packed it up by mistake, but it was all about Susie and had nothing to do with me. However, these days my thinking would run more along the lines of wondering about myself. Was I stupid to trust Susie? Maybe Susie doesn't really like me. Did I do something to make Susie angry at me? Funny, I always thought of myself as being more self-centered as a child and less so as an adult. That's obviously not true.