THERE'S NOWHERE ELSE TO DUMP THIS, SO I'LL DUMP IT HERE

I've never been much on sharing emotional issues here, unless they were angry, or sarcastic, or frequently both. In fact, that pretty much describes how I have operated for years. There was a small group of folks that I could reveal the complete spectrum to, but those people are gone and the people I work with now are transient at best what with the short calls and the age differences. Don't get me wrong, they're great folks, but it's all bidness and small talk. It's "safe".
I have, to some degree, isolated myself from my old circle. The one person I've been trying to connect with, it just hasn't happened...conflicting schedules and all. But what would I say if and when we finally hook up? That I just don't give a fuck anymore? That I am so completely overwhelmed with a bone crushing sense of dread that it is everything I can do to get out of bed in the morning? That I have become so angry at my circumstance that the anger has turned into depression (great...I can diagnose myself). That I sometimes feel that I am so close to the last exit on the highway and am tempted to take it? Who wants to hear that shit, really? I don't...but I do, it's in my head to quote a Black Flag song. And it rolls around banging up against that other train of thought that says it's gonna be alright and I gotta just hang in there. Another couple of months and we'll dig out of this mess...blah blah blah.
And the icing on the cake? It's fucking christmas. Oh, how I hate fucking christmas. Blue witch calls it the "festival of the cash register"(tm), and with that I totally agree. My clearest memory of christmas is my family staying at a summer lake house somewhere in mass. when I was about 8 years old, we were staying there for free because my dad was out of the service and out of a job. My parents tried to play it off as some big adventure, and some of the time it was. But mostly it was me and my mom having to break holes in the ice on the lake to get water to cook,bathe and use the bathroom. It was christmas. The desperation was palpable, even to an 8 year old.
So every year I put on a happy face and pretend it's all good...and sometimes it is. I actually get into the spirit, but mostly I just remember busting holes in the ice with my mom and wondering why she looks so sad with a smile on her face. It was confusing then, but I think I understand it now. People pretend its ok because they have to. They are compelled to pretend for the sake of friends, family and all those other people that cruise in and out life. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up, sorry folks...I can't do it anymore. I'm taking a break...unless something really amazing happens between now and then, I'll see you in 2005.