Turmoil
It's really an odd feeling to work on Christmas Day. Or any other holiday for that matter. The friends and family are celebrating, asking you over for dinner or a BBQ or what-have-you and you can't go because you have to work. It's a crunch on non-holidays as well such as when the good friend, who works M-F, 8 to 4 ask you to come to happy hour on Friday afternoon but you can't because you are working until 8pm that night and have to be back to work at 8am the next morning. And after the 1st of the year I start working until 11pm or later on weeknights plus a mandatory weekend shift every single weekend. If I'm lucky, I might see Rob on Sunday, provided nothing bad happens to me on the way to my car some night (it's not a very safe trip from work to car after about 9 pm.) And so I'm faced with a real dilemma. Because you see, I'm going to be fired on the 15th if I don't somehow cause my employees to drastically improve their performance. And while it might be possible to accomplish that, there's a part of me that really wants out of this job from hell and it's trying really hard to convince me to just do nothing and let myself get canned. Add to that the part of me that thinks not matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be good enough so why bother and it's a pretty tough fight between those two and my normal frame of mind which is to do the best I can do and what ever happens, happens. To say I'm conflicted right now would be an understatement. And even though this has all been roiling around in my brain for the last two weeks, I have, for the most part, kept the upper hand and continued to bust my ass at work despite the circumstances. I'm most likely a fool and it's probably all for naught, but if nothing else, I'm being true to myself. And I suppose in the long run, that's all that really matters.