THE LIFE...SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE

I went to work for the state of Texas shortly after my eighteenth birthday, had I stayed in the employ of the state, I would be retiring (less than 5 years from now) before I was fifty with a retirement income of upwards to 2500.00 a month and plenty of time to get another job, or even maybe another career.
I didn't do that.
Instead, I moved to Colorado with my then wife, and a couple of years later I was divorced and back in Texas, went back to work for the state for seven months and left...again, the lure of the rocky mountains was too much to resist. But, alas, that didn't work out. So I came back to Texas, hat in hand.
After a brief time in go nowhere jobs and part time schooling, I landed at a company where I spent almost fourteen years climbing the ladder, only to be kicked off of it in the end.
Things were changing during those years and I was so busy climbing I didn't notice the changes that were occuring before my blinder equipped eyes.
I was raised with the kind of work ethic that should have kept me in that first state job for my life, but I was also a product of a restless social ethic, change on the one end, radical on the other. I was the human equivilent of pong on this one, bouncing to and fro from traditional values to radical activist. Conflicted. Very conflicted.
Fifteen years ago, life was still full of options. Social worker, artist, musician, administrator...the sky was the limit.
I had the energy and the means to do anything I wanted back then, I had the time and I took it.
Social worker...If you want a fast track to hating kids and thier parents and the health care system and the judicial system in this country, jump on this one. I once thought this would be my lifes work, but my lifes work bled it out of me, slowly and painfully from both ends. All I have to show for this time are some stories that freak people out and this unrealized dream of changing the world.
Artist...I was once a prolific cartoonist, but I lost my steam. I can't remember the last time I drew something. My social worker experience beat it out of me I guess. I was at least able to pass the passion on to my son and my "niece", so that's something. I've been talking about doing some paper mache masks recently, but that's just talk at this point...we'll see what happens with that.
Musician...I was in this band, and I was in my thirties. We had some incredible songs. I used the aformentioned means to finance the band and it's aspirations. We would be rock stars, critics darlings, blah blah blah. I still think about the night we blew the roof off of trophys club...it was perfect. A large crowd littered with our friends witnessing the power of our band, the applause, the appreciation.I'm standing on that stage with three people I love, peering out from under my cap burning my guitar work and lyrics into the crowd...I was a rock star that night. It was awesome. And it fell apart shortly after that. Just as we were hitting the peak, suddenly it wasn't fun anymore. And without a fight or a rational word, we just kind of collectively gave it up. Our friend BW issued a challenge to me to start writing again and to post the song here. I've been trying to write a song about something I care about. I haven't had much luck with that, so I've started focusing my attention to someone I care about and hopefully I'll spit something out soon. After all, I promised.
Administrator... Of what? I can barely manage my own life. There was once a time when I managed teams in concerted efforts with great success. Not anymore.
Passion. I have no real passion. It has somehow escaped me.
Now, before you shrug this off as a giant pity party...it does sound like one, but it's not. I have misplaced my passion, the leprechans in my house have hidden it from me. But I am searching for it.
I am relating a scenario shared by millions in this country, millions of people beaten down by prevailing political and social winds, some in thier control, others not.
I still have alot to be thankful for...I have a woman who loves me, my best friend. I have a job with some promise and a roof over my head. Ann will always be there, the other stuff I'm not so sure about.
And I remain conflicted...but that's life, right?