IT'S A MYSTERY TO ME

The kids came over last night to visit and share wedding pictures and just generally hang out. Over the course of the evening, my son commented on his mom in a sort of offhand way, but was forthcoming when I pried further.His original statement was " I don't even think Jim knows yet" (Jim is his grandfather on his moms side) I say, Knows what? that Brandy is pregnant or that you guys got married? Kyle responds either one (forgive the lack of those quote marks...I'm lazy).I was amazed. Upon further inquiry, I learn that my ex was encouraging the kids to call it off, right up until the day of the wedding. Or at the very least, keep it "secret". Now what the fuck does that mean? And what does it say to the kids?
Is she ashamed of them? So ashamed that she would not tell her own father that his grandson was getting married and expecting a child? According to the kids this is the case.
What the fuck?
I had my reservations about this union, but I put my own bullshit aside and bought into the notion that they love each other and celebrated in that love. I didn't keep it a secret from anyone...any of it. Once I worked through my own shit about being an old man, I was cool with it. How it works out is up to them. I can only hope that my son absorbed some of my genious advice about being in the world, and being in the world with a partner. I think he listened, I hope he did. Lord knows I went through a lot of bullshit learning how to do it right.
I never pulled any punches and always tried to keep it as simple and basic as it is, this being in the world thing.But I did try to keep secrets.
Before he came to live with us, it was easy to hide them. My primary secret was I liked to smoke weed. Once he moved in, it was harder to hide the fact that I was...gasp...a pot head.
Now it's important to interject here, that his mom is/was a 12 stepper...sober and hating it. She met her husband at these 12 stepper meetings. The same meetings I took kids to for years while I was into that psychic war thing. She was working the 12 steps as a lifestyle while I was learning them to help filter the bullshit from the reality for my clients.
Let me say right now, that if you got involved in a 12 step program and it helped you get sober...good for you. But if it turned you into a cult driven freak, fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
She viewed it as salvation, I viewed it with suspicision. And in the end, it failed her. When she mentioned the 9th step she wanted to do with me ( making amends ) and never followed through I decided she was full of shit, or afraid of owning up. The beginning of a long trail of smoke and mirrors.
Back to the thing...When Kyle lived with his mom and I had that ever popular every other weekend and wed. visitation thing texas law and judges like, Getting information was like pulling teeth. I would inquire about how things were going between visits and get smoke. I would raise concerns and be shined on. I raised concerns about a particular babysitter and got stonewalled. But the sitter disappeared, I still have questions about that, never to be answered, and at this point they don't really matter anymore.
And the list goes on and on, pointless now because my son is an adult. But, in a sense, I still want to know those secrets. Those unspoken travesties and dramas kept from me to avoid a scene.And keep me in the dark, unable to intervene.
It's a mystery to me why this union could be kept secret. And it pisses me off. I have never denied my shame for the stupid shit I've done in my life to anyone, and especially to my son. If he can learn from me and my mistakes and somehow be a better person, it was worth the embarrassment...it's not even embarrassment. It's being me. damaged. flawed. and not ashamed of it. Life is a character builder, meant to be shared. All of it, even the ugly parts in the light of day are not so ugly, as long as you can be honest about them.
When you get right down to it, I'm a fuck up in search of redemption, I have no compunction owning up to this and the search goes on. I may never be forgiven, but I won't hide what I am. That would be dishonest.