GOD DAMN WHAT A WEEK WHAT A MONTH WHAT A YEAR

I rolled off the books at the local...if you go 6 months without paying your dues, you doodlebug, and you have to appeal to the international brotherhood to get reinstated. i thought I was at 5 months and was waiting for my vacation fund to build up to pay my back dues. As it turns out, I should be ok with the union thing and there's enough $$$ in my account to pay back dues and death benefits AND buy a feul pump for the Rodeo.
I totally spaced on my tickets from last month and got a "warrant warning" from muni court. So today I went and set a court date...sept. 12 it is. however, I can show up at any time between now and then with proof that I met the deadline to renew my inspection and registration and they will still wave the fines for 20 bucks. Just like Toody always said...flittin' around the brink. It's an art form I guess. One that I am destined to repeat every decade or so, apparently, until I get it right. If I ever get it right.
A couple of weeks ago over drinks, I asked a friend if he had any coke...he said not on him, and my other friend remarked " I thought you couldn't do that stuff" ( because of my hypertension ) and my response was " yeah, but I don't care anymore " which was met with "man don't say that"...
They knew I was drunk, and the reality was I didn't want any coke, but at the same time I really didn't care anymore. I have been careful with my health in regards to the hypertension within reason...meaning I get away with what I can get away with, and drugs like coke are on the definite no list.
Maybe it was an impulsive drunk stupid thing, maybe it was a lame assed attempt to gather my friends around me in a time of need...no check that...desperation to have my friends see the shape I'm in. Whatever it was it didn't work. They dropped me off at my house when the drinking was done.
And there I was, still wallowing in my own shit...feeling sorry for myself, drunk and sloppy.
A couple of days later I unloaded all of this on a friend...the hopelessness, the fear, the anger and resentment...the tears. The ocean of tears born of frustration and self pity that you can only unload on your best fucking friend.
And she listened, and she asked the hard questions, and she hugged me. And she had the filter to sort out what was me with a buzz and me with a hurt. And she helped me.
And a couple of days later me and my friend celebrated our 11th anniversary. And I felt better cause I had at least one person in the world that I knew, without a doubt, no questions, had my back.
I still have that lingering "don't care" thing following me around, but it's lessened and while I'm not exactly climbing out of the hole I dug for myself I haven't lost a rung for a few days.
Fuck it indeed.