OUR ALPHA DOG IS A BITCH

When I take Sully to the store, he loves the ride, and especially loves the stop in our little park, as does Irene. The ride home is one greeted with wagging tails and joy. Joy from an escape from the boredom that is the life of a house dog. They love it. Well so does the alpha dog, Theo. He jumps around just like his brother and sister, he greets the leash with the same kind of canine joy that can only be compared to me finding a half gram of lebanese hash in a long forgotten stash box. He rides well to the store, it's the ride home where he melts down and turns into a simpering dribbling dick of a dog, crashing his head into me and my components in a desparate attempt to escape what is to him, certain fucking death. If he can physically pass through me and the car door and somehow make it to the front door in one piece he's happy. Once inside, he reverts to his old alpha dog self, like nothing happened. Until the next trip to the store.
Ann and I discussed it, and decided that Theo needed the "hamburger treatment"...meaning that when he freaked like he freaked, I would drive past the house and go straight to the nearest burger place and buy him a burger...feed it to him in the parking lot and bring him home. It was marginally successful. He liked the burger part of it, but after the justa-burger with cheese was gone, he reverted to his old pussy bitch self...trying to push his way through me and the door of the car making noises that sounded like this: "Owwwweeeeerrrruuuuumungmungmunghamphamphamperrrwooohampwoohampwoo" over and over while stomping on my instrument column and trying to dislocate my shoulders in a fervent giant pussy attempt to exit the vehicle. Further evidence to his pussiness was he never once agressed towards me or tried to bite. He may be the alpha dog, but I am the alpha alpha dog. I am king of the pack and he knows how far he can push his shit.
So the hamburger thing was marginally successful when i took him to the store with me tonight. I had expressed earlier concern that this approach would just teach him he could be a spazz in the truck and get treats, so I saw a chance and I took it.
The corner store sells half dollar sized bites of jerkey...I bought some and when I got back in the truck, I stuck the bag under his nose so he could smell what was afoot and told him " If you don't act like an ass on the way home, I will feed you this snack of the gods" and off we went.
Of course he started up with the whiney assed pussy dog routine in the usual spot...I shoved the bag of jerkey under his nose and we had the following conversation...

Theo: "Owwwweeeer"...Me: (cutting him off in that loud "I'm a human, therefore more powerful than you" voice) "Shut up you fucking pussy...you call yourself an alpha dog???
What is alpha dog about you acting like a bitch about going home from a mission, you giant pussy, plus I got this jerkey for your sorry ass if you can manage to not piss on yourself before it's over...here sniff this ( I shove the bag of jerky under his pussy nose and he is instantly steeled by the smell, dog balls sprout from nowhere ) but not before he is freaked out by the smell of me turning another corner on the road. That hill sets him off. Closer to home.
Theo: "Owwweeeerrrreeeehoowwwwww..." Me: "Shut the FUCK up you sorry bitch...WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??? Are you not the fucking alpha dog"? Theo:"Hreeeeowwwump!Pant pant pant...unghhhh,hamp, hamp, errreeeowww".
Me: "What is your fucking problem Theo? You are the king of this roost, but right now you are the biggest pussy dog that ever lived...do you not want this jerkey treat I bought for you? Sit your ass down and BE A MAN...are you a pussy or a mandog...bitch. ( a side note...all these gender specific terms are not confusing to dogs, just bitches in prison.)
Theo: "eeeerrrooowwwrrr..." settles down and goes into the house without trying to take me out after recieving 4 shining silver dollars of beef jerkey.
I think I like my plan better, I think Theo likes it better too. We have an agreement.
Fucking dogs...I love them...
Our alpha dog is a bitch...but we won't advertise...for now.
:)