My mom didn't limit her railing to my dad...her hammering drove my sister out of the house at age 16, and me a few years later at 17. I was a loser too. One I remember clearly was I was "a bloody hunch backed hippy hopped up on dope who would amount to nothing". Another one was "You're just like your father...no spine. Ouch.
But the fact of the matter was my dad was a man before his time...a soldier/warrior and a middle aged hippy all in one lifetime. He was something to look at with pride.
But, according to my mom, he was a loser and by genetics, so was I apparently.
So here I am, thinking my dad was a loser, but at the same time faced with the reality of what an awesome human being he was. And as it turned out, he was. But by my moms estimation he was a useless pile of crap, and so was I.
While I was able to reconcile my dads situation, those hurtful things hurled at me for years by my mom stayed with me for a long long time. Faced with this kind of bullshit, a person can over achieve or fall into the abyss. A kind of "I'll show you" mentality. Well...I tooled it down to something I like to call "over achieving loser". I was a self defeating machine that somehow managed to reach a level of success while at the same time maintaining my moms estimation that I was a loserI was proving her wrong, but at the same time I was wrecklessly trying to destroy myself.
And I didn't even know it.
Why am I even rambling on about things that shouldn't matter? Because it does matter.
Where you've been is who you are.
Unless you figure out how to step out of the circle, and create your own.
And I did.
But I can still look back and see it all.
I was betrayed...and they never had a clue. But I'm here in all my fucked up glory.
Just trying to get by.
And it seems to be going OK.
And with that, I wish you all a merry christmas and a happy new year.
See you in 2006.
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