WOLVE'S@TH'DOOR CONCERT RIDER

The smoking gun site runs concert riders for bands and singers that are amusing and sometimes outrageous. The latest is for Mary J Blige. Check it out if you wanna.
But it got me to thinking about our band, and what kind of rider we would have if we had not been overlooked we had achieved the fame and fortune of these spoiled motherfuckers. Would our rider be on a par with these stars? Oh yes...hell yeah. There's nothing like success to swell your head beyond safe limits. So I made up a rider for our band. Enjoy.

WOLVE'S@TH'DOOR / PACK MENTALITY LLC INC. CONCERT RIDER

1. TRANSPORTATION
Wolve's@th'door (WATD) travel together, on the same airline, IN FIRST CLASS. They will have seats together in a row, with the rows in front and behind left unbooked and empty.
Flight attendants will be 50/50 in regard to gender. They will be tattooed and pierced and dressed in the finest goth clothing available (NO EXCEPTIONS). The in flight meal wiil be chopped beef BBQ sandwiches, pickles,potato salad and ranch style beans and sliced onion from that old black guys BBQ trailer in Manor Tx. Beverages will include :
4 cases (96 bottles) of Shiner Bock beer.(Purchased from the brewery in Shiner Tx. as it comes off the belt.)
2 liters of monopolowa vodka.
3 quarts of HEB brand orange juice (NO exceptions...must be from the HEB at Congress and Oltorf in Austin Tx.)
1/2 Gallon of Jager...ICE cold. With shot glasses that have skulls on them...demon skulls.
The in flight movies will be The Devils Rejects and The Sound of Music.
***At some point during the flight, any member of WATD will be allowed to fly the plane.***
Roadies and techs will have identical accomodations, only in coach. They will not be allowed to fly the plane.

1a. GROUND TRANSPORTATION
The band and crew will be met at the airport by a fleet of tricked out vintage automobiles (1957 Chevy Bel Aires and 1956 Chrysler 300 with the A/C that blows your hair forward for ANN)
Each vehicle will be equipped with a period Craig 8 track player, a roadstar power amp (50 watts minimum) , and FOUR speakers.
Further, each vehicle will have the pink colored issue of Black Sabbath's "Masters of Reality" and the lime green issue of Jethro Tull's "Aqualung".
The drivers will be cholo homeboys with burr haircuts and gang tattoos ( gang membership is optional). They should also be sporting "grills like a mirror ball" (upper or lower, but ideally both.)
Each vehicle will be equipped with a sawed off 12 gauge shotgun, loaded with blanks, in case any memer of the group wants to "have some fun".

2. HOTEL ACCOMODATIONS
The top three floors of the most expensive hotel in town. Open bar, open 24 hour room service. And high dollar whores available 24 hours for our single members. The lower of the three floors will be reserved for groupies ( name list provided by our manager ahead of time ). Law enforcement not allowed to come any closer than a mile from the hotel, no matter what. NO EXCEPTIONS
*Televisions will be unbolted from the tables to ensure ease of throwing them out the windows if so desired by any member of the group.
1 microwave oven in every room (Magic chef brand, black and stainless, NO EXCEPTIONS)
2 -12 package Popcorn ( Orville Redenbacher's kettle brand) in every room.
2- 12 count county fair corndogs (HONEY battered, NO EXCEPTIONS)
1- 16 oz. mustard (MUST be YELLOW and made by FRENCHES...NO EXCEPTIONS)
1-16 oz HUNTS catsup. ( MUST be spelt with a "C" and not a "K"...NO EXCEPTIONS)
High speed internet in every room with no blocks.
1- 50 count pack of Club no gum rolling papers.
1- Smooth plastic waitress tray*
* Or a gatefold album cover...Grand Funk or Deep Purple ( NO SUBSTITUTIONS, DEFINITLEY NO KISS ALIVE II )
500 Reeses cups (ORIGINAL STYLE)
10 lbs. of Bakenettes pork rinds
1 pint of Louisiana hot sauce.
200 cheap paper plates...the cheaper the better.
Lots and lots of napkins
1 gross of peppermint rolaids...(NO TUMS! ROLAIDS BITCH!)
1 gross pipe cleaners...any brand, providing they are wire infused.

3. SOUND CHECK
What's that? Fuck sound check. When we play, we play. Techs and roadies will just hang out and party after they set up our shit.The arena will provide all beverages...mostly Guiness and Jager.
4. OUR SHIT
WATD will use the sound system The Dead used at their 1974 show at the horse racing track in Manor Tx. NO EXCEPTIONS. All on stage amps will be Sovtek (rob), Mesa Boogie (LT) and Peavey
(Ann) . Bill will play his vintage Ludwigs (Hand polished by stadium personnel) mic'ed with shure and altec mics. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Now THAT'S ROCK AND ROLL.