Sometimes I sits and think and sometimes I just sits
That old saying pretty much describes what I've been doing for the last several weeks. I've been in "hermit mode" which means I don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I know some folks that would tell me I'm depressed and should go get on meds or see a therapist, but why does taking some time to evaluate who you are and where you are and why you are with minimal outside distractions automatically get labeled depression? I love my friends and family, but I don't need their input clogging up the process. For reasons I don't quite understand, being around Rob doesn't interfere much. This wasn't the case in my first marriage and I would go camping by myself just so I could get the peace and quiet that I needed (and even that was always rudely interrupted by several visits - some people just don't get it.) I'd love to tell you that these past few weeks have provided some sort of spiritual breakthrough, but that's not how it works for me. It's not about connecting with "God" or "The Universe", but more a matter of sorting out my perceptions and in this case most of that revolves around how I think and feel about the fact that I've been laid off from a job for the third time in a row. In each case, there was a legitimate need for the company to cut payroll costs and it made perfect sense to eliminate my position as opposed to some other job, but that's not how I remember or think about the events. In my mind I always consider it a personal failure and think that if I had just been "better" in some way then I would still have a job. This is not just a silly thought, but the truth and I know it's the truth. What I don't usually remember is that "better" is often completely unrealistic. If I had, for example, been a top notch machinist in addition to my administrative skills then I would most likely still have a job at company A. It would be a different job, but I'd still be working for company A where I came in early and worked late (no overtime, I was salary) and juggled several jobs at any one time due to layoffs and did all sorts of other "above and beyond the call of duty" things because I didn't realize I was nothing more than just a cog in the machine. I had this crazy idea that I was a valued employee who was making a meaningful contribution to the success of the company. Rinse and repeat two more times. Usually I'm a fast learner, but apparently there are some realities I just don't want to accept. I have absolutely no desire to spend 40+ hours a week working at some meaningless job for a company that doesn't give a rat's ass about me, but that's the reality that I have to learn to accept if I want to keep my house and pay my bills. And quite frankly, I'm not so sure the house and bills are worth such a soulless existence. Rob has the right idea to sell the house and just get the fuck out of here and travel. That said, it can't happen tomorrow and I will continue to look for job here in Austin to get us by while we finish the remodel and get the house ready for market. The catch to this plan is going to be my ability to land a job, any kind of job. I don't seem to be having much luck so far though I've been limiting my applications to administrative jobs where I might have a chance of working on a long-term basis. Switching over to short-term thinking changes this a bit. I have no problem with the thought of working odd shifts at Jack-in-the-Box for the next year or so if it means we are going to hit the road at some point. Rob doesn't know this, but "Campground Host" just happens to be on my list of "jobs that I would like to do if money wasn't an issue."